Through it all

This is not my poem. This is one of my favorites so I’d like to share it with y’all.

Friends come and go
Life flies by right before your eyes.
You lose ones you love
Yet through it all you still love your life.

People leave you to fight alone
You put on a fake smile to hide all your pain
Yet someone still knows your hurt.

Through it all you still put on a front to satisfy those around you
Thorough it all you wouldn’t change a thing
Through it all you wouldn’t trade your life for fame.

You build a wall to try to keep from getting hurt
You lock up you heart and throw away the key to see who cares enough to look for the key
Through it all there’s not many people that got you to open up yet still you love it all.

Struggles meet you in the face to watch you slip up
Yet through it all you wouldn’t change a thing.

Through it all you wouldn’t change a thing
Through it all you wouldn’t trade your life for fame.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/through-it-all

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Just misunderstood…

My intentions in life are great. Not many people understand the way that I am. Let me tell you that it’s okay not to understand. Living in my mind is hell. Not everyday is all rainbows and butterflies. I fight each and everyday fighting for survival from myself. I’m so deeply lost it makes me isolate myself from the entire world. Some people think it’s because I don’t like them or I wanna keep away from them but in reality it’s keeping them from me. Just this past year I have thought about many different ways to end my life and Saw each and everyone play out. Not because I want to end my life but because that’s how my brain is wired. I have this disease where my moods and my emotions are dangerous so when I get a switch I know that it’s there and I keep away I shut down so no one has to be near me. And then that switch is gone and I’m the happiest go lucky person that wants to joke around play and have all the fun in the world and still no one wants to be near me because I’ve shut myself away. Being bipolar and severely depressed is very hard. My children keep me on the right track daily as well as my husband because he seems to be the only person to truly understand how I am. My husband is the only person that can deal with all of my emotions and all of my moods and not push me away how everyone else does. A lot of people think I’m mean, rude, violent, or just a straight up bitch. When in reality I’m just a lost confused women trying to fight her demons each and every day. I just want people to try to understand that when I go mia it’s not to be rude it’s not to stay away because I dislike or I’m mad. I do it because if I don’t then people will see who I am when I’m deep in my thoughts. Deep in my own bullshit that I wish would just go away. I was born with a purpose in life but my purpose came with flaws that I choose to live with because if I didint I would not have my children who are my greatest blessings in life. Three times I attempted suicide and each time the same person saved my life and if that’s not fate I don’t know what is. I just don’t want to be misunderstood for some of my actions in life. I want to be apart of everyone’s lives but sometimes it’s just harder for me. When I get pushed away it makes things worse. I question each and every decision I’ve ever made. I question my purpose more and more every time someone pushes me further away. I’m not perfect no one is. I’m far from okay but I’m still alive today fighting to stay that way. Just please work with me if you see me acting out of the norm because if you shove me away I will get worse and I can’t control my feelings. I will cry for hours for absolutely no reason or I will question each and every persons look on me. I have good intentions I really do. Just stay by my side and help me, guide me, and love me.

I wrote this not to be felt sorry for not to be told I need help because I know I do I wrote this because I want to make some clarity on why I am how I am a lot of the time. I don’t intentionally try to hurt anyone when I keep away. In my mind I’m helping and I’m sorry I have ever hurt anyone with being the person that I am. I fight myself daily and I hope someone will understand and stay by my side.

“It was her chaos that made her beautiful.”

“Never knowing whether an episode will last for half an hour or half a month.”

“When she is happy, she can’t stop talking. When she is sad, she doesn’t say a word.”

“You never know what someone is hiding behind their smile”

A letter to my mom..

I just can’t get the words to say other then thank you. Thank you for giving me life because without that I would not have my greatest blessings my children. Thank you for letting me go as it’s the best thing either one of us could have ever done was just to walk away. I will always love you for you are my mother but I could never be apart of your life again as it just hurts to badly. For 20 years of my almost 24 years of life you were either in prison or running in the streets getting high. I begged for you and cried for you a million and ten times. Then I grew up and knew it was time to let you go. Set you free from me being that bourdon I always was since day one. We never got along. We never knew how to be mother and daughter. All I’ve ever wanted in life was a mom to love me for me and to be there when I needed her the most. You’ve missed every great step in my life when you promised you would make it and you would do better. I have a lot of hurt and a lot of trust issues with so many women who have tried to step in on my life because of you and it’s not their fault. It’s not yours either. You were sick.. Now look at you two years clean and I couldn’t be prouder.I didint want to be the blame anymore. I didint wanna be there for you for whenever you needed money or needed a letter sent to someone. You gave me life and I needed you. I’m sorry I was not the daughter you needed. Just know after all these years of suffering with addiction you made it you are free from the drugs you are free from prison and free from probation. The putdown everytime you were sick and didint get your way is what made me crave your attention more and more. You craved that pipe or that needle and I craved your love and attention. You pushed me away you gave me toys money or candy to get me away for an hour so you could get your fix. I’ve never gotten a chance to have a mother. Now look I have 5 and just one actually cares it seems. Thank you for giving her the rights to have me. You did good because she gave me the love and attention I craved for my entire life. I just want you to know I don’t hate you I don’t. I love you dearly and I thank you for keeping me instead of ending my life before it started. Without you I would not have my husband or my children. Hopefully in our afterlife we can try this again but not in this lifetime as it’s just to painful to be hurt by you. I just had to write this in hopes it finds you in some way so you will understand and know that I am deeply sorry for whatever I may have done to you. You have given me many lessons in life. I stopped that addiction chain but I’m fucked in the head from everything else. I could get high or drink my life away but you showed me what that does to a person and I’m better then that. So just thank you mom for giving birth to me so I could live this wonderful life. I’ll see you in our next life. Keep up the great work I am very proud of you.

Love your little monkey

Just 10 random questions about myself.

1. What game or movie universe would you most like to live in? Hallmark Christmas movie land of course ☃️🎄

2. Are you usually early or late? Early I absolutely hate being late.

3. What pets did you have while you were growing up? We had dogs, cats, reptiles, fish, and more it was like a zoo.

4. What is your favorite food? Pickles I’ve been the pickle queen for as long as I can remember.

5. Why is your favorite color? Teal, purple, orange, royal blue. I love all colors.

6. Do you like scary movies? Absolutely not they give me nightmares.

7. Are you proud of yourself? Yes I am very proud of myself. I’ve come a long way.

8. What was your favorite childhood Christmas present? When my dad got me a keyboard and taught me how to play. That was the last Christmas with him.

9. Can you curl your tongue? Sure can.

10. If you can learn any language fluently what would it be? German I would love it.

My hard working Husband!!

My husband is one hell of a man I tell ya. He works day in and day out to provide for our family and I don’t think I give him the praise he deserves. Not only does he work but he helps me clean, cook, and helps with the kids and their needs throughout the night when he is home. He is nonstop forever going from 5am till about 1am or later. I don’t know how he manages to do it all. I am forever grateful to have him by my side. He goes out of his way to help so many when in need and he asks for nothing in return. He carries the world on his shoulders and I wish I could do more to help him. Not a day goes by where he is not running working or running to help someone. We may face our challenges but he does not give up he will never give up. At the end of the day he goes to bed like nothing is bothering him. In reality everything bothers him. I see the drained, the tiredness, and I see the pain that he is in from everyday deeds. I do the best I can to help with what I can but it’s cheaper for me to just stay home with our kids. I just want my husband to see how much I appreciate him for all that he does. I want him to see that I do recognize all the things he does do daily for our family. I have truly been blessed with one hard working husband that loves me dearly. Nothing more could I wish for in a man then the man he is.

Wyatt honey thank you for asking me to be your wife to stand by your side for the rest of your life. Lord only knows how lost I would truly be without you. The kids and I love you so very much and we appreciate all that you do. Always remember we are your biggest fans. We will always be right here.

I am HUMAN!.

It’s not easy being me some days. I sure do make it through though. I struggle deeply with depression and to top it off I am bipolar. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to channel and cope with both of them. Being pregnant it just seems impossible to do anything. I’m angry, hurt, and sad most of my days. I just want to curl into a ball and cry. That is until I look at my children and they keep me going. If they see their mommy crying or looking down They give me a huge hug and tell me that they love me so much. That is my purpose to keep pushing forward. My hormones are way out of wack at the moment, but I know I have my families support so I don’t have to give up. I’ve struggled with many things in life but nothing beats struggling with your own demons in your mind. Suicide has gotten to me three times as I’ve tried to end my life. I’ve been admitted to hospitals, I’ve seen hundreds of therapists, and I’ve been on two dozen different medications. None of those things helped me or they did and I felt even worse inside but couldn’t get anything out. I learned my own ways to cope and to overcome my problems on my own. It’s taken me a lot of time and patience but I’m so much better then what I used to be. I am human after all and no one is perfect. Yes I have my down days but happy days are always right around as well. Just lately some things trigger me more then others . Having a mental illness is okay. No need to harm yourself because you are different. Some of us just need more help and attention then others. It’s completely okay to feel angry, hurt, sad, alone, confused, and even to cry. You do not have to face your demons alone. So many people will help you. So many people will just stand by you to ensure you it will be okay. You must face a storm before you get a beautiful rainbow. In honor of mental illness awareness week I just wanted to share that deeper part of me. I’m sure it will come up in future posts as well in bits. I just want everyone to know we all struggle but we do not have to do it alone. 

“Don’t be ashamed of your story it will inspire others.”

“It won’t be easy but it will get better.”

“Your illness is not your identity. Your chemistry is not your character.”

“You are a child of the universe, no less then the trees and the stars; you have the right to be here” 

                                                    Holly 

A little bit about the Danser’s

 

A family of four soon to be five. We love, we fight, we laugh, we cry, and most importantly we support one another.

It all started 8 years ago when I looked my husband in the eyes and fell in love with him instantly. I could never forget the way my heart felt as soon as his eyes met with mine. Wearing those horrid cargo kaki work pants full of lord knows what. I always joke about those pants because I thought he was insane for leaving the house in them. I just rememember going to the store to buy a drink and meeting him through my sister. We ended up being in the same school and thats when I knew it was fate. Fate that I found my soulmate, my life long bestfriend, and the man who would stand by myside for a lifetime. It started with becoming friends on social media, then exchanging numbers with one another, and talking for hours day in and day out. Those long talks led to forming an amazing relationship that I value with every part of myself. Walks in the park, fishing, movies, and just time with one another were our favorite moments. That is until two and a half years later we were expecting our first child. Not many people were happy and not many people supported us. A lot of people did not want us together nor for us to have a baby but love as strong as ours we just new that it was all ment to be. Being seniors in highschool with a baby on the way did not stop us from graduating and starting our life. Moving forward through a lot of harship, a lot of crying, a lot of arguing, and a lot of love we decided it was time to make our family grow. At this point we were in our apartment a little over two years and it was time to expand considering we were expecting our second child. So we did it we finally bought our very first home. A home I instently fell in love with and only lord knows why. Almost 9 months later we decided to say I DO after 6 and a half long years. Our wedding day was so magical and amazing in each and everyway. Finally getting to steal his last name and offically say that he is mine for life just ment everything to me. The way he looked into my eyes, the way he laughed, and smiled with me because I was a wreck in many ways (story for another time). Made me realize that I did infact make the most perfect decision in my life. June of 2017 we hit a hard time when we had a miscarriage. Things just were not the same and I was in a deep dark place a while. We made it through though. We are a team that sticks together through it all. Fast forward to now. we decided it was finally time to have another child after long talks and many tears it was finally time to grow bigger. I am now almost 18 weeks pregnant with our third well fourth child and i could not be any happier. We are not a perfect family in any way, but the love we have and share with one another is unbreakable. we have been through so much and we have overcome all of it. The strength of our love is why we are the family we are today. So for now thats a little bit about our little big family. until next time.

 Holly, Wyatt Sr, Wyatt Jr, Valorie, and Baby D